Taking care

What I have been doing for myself
Making time to get out of the library and outside;
to take a walk and clear my mind and my heart;
to write and pray ;
every day and when I need to - making time


Draw on my support network
keep on talking with others;
being more open with others as they can be with me;
not being so afraid of what I am feeling and the tears if they are there


Let go of some of the need to be in control
I cannot figure out everything that is going on or what I need to do;
Some things will just not get done and it does not matter;
I can live with that because I have to;
Not easy but helpful and necessary


Making time at home
going to bed early;
reading in bed - if I do not fall asleep first;
writing if I need to - not always but most of the time


If everything is not done - so what?
that is a part of letting go;
easier to do at home or I am learning quicker there? (I am responsible for myself) ;
at work -1 keep on having to talk with myself;
not feeling guilty when I cannot get involved - that is me right now


When I ride
doing what I can and feel like;
sometimes that is not easy because Bishop is easily distracted by people and other horses - many things in fact


Not fighting my body
going to bed when I am tired and not looking at the clock;
leaving an event when I am too tired -1 need to


Taking care of my mind, my heart and my body
making sure that I make time;
psychologist - my mind;
spiritual director - my heart and my faith;
massage - my body (especially when there are angels images in the room with me!)


Taking time off work
not just doing things but sometimes that;
doing what I like to do and making time for that


Familiar things that are positive and helpful
when I feel that the time is right or maybe I need to be open to new possibilities in the familiar;
church dinner - buying a ticket and if I need to leave early - so what?
reading stories and poems online - stay with them if they speak to me


Start where I am at
accepting myself where I am at;
God certainly does that - help me Lord to do that too!!
　

Relaxing

Bubble bath - feeling it, soft and gentle, scented

Resting - just lying around and not sleeping

Jesus prayer - comforting, reassuring, touching me deeply; different formats but mine is "Jesus" - this word alone

Being present and focused on what I am doing; gently and not too seriously

Walking slowly and being aware of that


Eating slowing and enjoying that; this is hard for someone who is single and lives alone and eats alone


Music - instrumental; gentle and quiet


Reading - another focus; not surprising that it has been difficult to finish a book lately


Sleeping - of course; deep sleeping


Writing - getting feelings out; relaxed after


Facing situations and feelings; then they can be dealt with honestly and openly


Writing - quiet reflecting


Staying in bed and reading


Taking time to do things; slowing down; enjoying them


Deep breathing; relaxed breathing; slowed down breathing


Decaf coffee - it tastes good but without the kick of the caffeine


Guided meditation - it puts me to sleep

Peace and healing

Quiet music - especially instrumental.

My dining room table has a large candle in the middle and I have 2 special writings there as well.
- prayer for healing
- page from a Powerpoint presentation - May God hold you in the palm of His hand and angels watch over you

Gentle breathing - not deep breathing.

A little angel that sits on my desk at work. She really is a Christmas decoration. The note with her says - may you find peace. She was a gift from a special friend.

Coming to Jesus in prayer and knowing that to be a place of comfort and peace and healing.

The Jesus prayer - the one word version.

My house which is quiet and peaceful. It is very much my own space.

Bringing my pain to Jesus on the Cross - as a praying friend said to me - a place of deep healing.

A wooden cursillo cross that I sleep with underneath my pillow. Jesus is close.

Over 200 taped episodes of Touched by an Angel. I am only missing 2 out of the 9 seasons of the program. Comforting and reassuring words of faith shared - God loves you; He is there for you.

Sitting quietly before a service at St. John's, especially on Wednesday morning when the church is quiet. Knowing God to be in that place.

Back to music - being able to listen to CD's at work when I am doing some routine task.

Journalling

I started journalling at a time of my life when I wanted to hold onto what was happening. I wanted to be able to go back and remember what I was feeling and thinking.


When I look back now at the first ones I wrote, what I was writing about then is very much what I write about now.


Who is important in my life at the moment - my friends, my colleagues at work, my family.


How is God speaking to me - in my own prayer time, in what I am reading (in the Bible and otherwise) , what I read in the newspaper (and I am not a regular reader), what I see on television.


What I am struggling with and trying to find God’s way for me - a lot of that.

- Prayers and reflections and questions
- Lord, why is this happening?
- Lord, what I am supposed to do now?


It is a real outlet for feelings and thoughts, etc. When issues are particularly difficult I do write more.


I am very free when I write - about anything and everything that I feel I want to. Sometimes I have to force myself somewhat. If I do not want to write about something, it is probably an unresolved issue in my life just then. The best way is to be patient and to pray about it and to write what I can and then quite often the rest will flow more easily.


I always add the date and the time to what I write. If I wake up during the night and feel I need to write I will do that.


I recently went through a week where a lot was happening and I just had to get through various situations. When I had more time on the weekend I reflected on what had happened and I wrote 5 pages!


When I go on retreat, I usually write a lot. A silent retreat is great for that.


I enjoy writing and I do it for fun. I also find it to be a very spiritual exercise. A lot of prayer goes into my journalling.

My life of faith

I was baptized at the age of 10 weeks in St. Simeon’s Anglican Church Lachute. Growing up I went to Sunday school, which was for some years not at the same time as the main Sunday service. My dad was responsible for my family going back to church - even though there was a time inconvenience. I think he would have sung in the choir except that he travelled a lot for his work.




Schooling
For high school I went off to Trafalgar School for Girls in Montreal which was non-denominational but with a strong Anglican tradition. We had morning assembly and used the Anglican prayer and hymn books and it was at that time that I learned to love the hymns - we certainly sang them often. As a boarder we had an evening Bible reading and prayer time. On Sunday morning we walked off to the Anglican Church or Presbyterian Church. The Presbyterian Church was much closer but we Anglicans walked in almost every weather to St. George’s Church across from Windsor Station. A teacher always accompanied us. The Catholic boarders - a much smaller group - went by themselves to the nearest Catholic Church. In December 1964 the Bishop of Montreal confirmed me. So I continued to go St. George’s until I lost interest and stopped going for a couple of years.




Toronto
I graduated from McGill with a B.A. and I knew this was not going to be enough to get me pointed in the direction of some useful employment. I thought about being a teacher but I was really quite introverted. What about a librarian? I applied to McGill and to the University of Toronto. I was not accepted at McGill - my first choice. Then there was a phone call from the University of Toronto - a letter of reference was missing. So the letter was sent and I was accepted.




Going off to a new city just after surgery is not a good idea - I had just had my wisdom teeth out and was on painkillers and eating lots of hamburger. Going to student orientation was not a fun process.




The first weekend in Toronto I was looking in the local newspaper for a church close by. I knew I wanted to find a place of worship and possibly make some new friends as well. So there was one right around the corner from where I was living.




I went to the early service - 9:15 a.m. or something. Because there were fewer people to greet, the priest had time to talk with me and make me feel welcome. I was not too sure if I wanted to come back. It was a very Anglo-Catholic parish - all bells and smells. The priest asked me what I thought about helping with the Sunday school. So that is what I did - even though I did not find dealing with the kids to be too easy.




St. Thomas’ Huron Street became my church home. I came to appreciate the bells and smells. I think it helped too that there were more informal services as well. The early morning Eucharist was very simply done and a good way to start the day.




However what really came to be most comfortable for me was the Friday evening service - held in the downstairs chapel with the congregation sitting on the floor. Afterwards there was an informal meal and some Bible study.




The priest at the church became a real support for me. Also one of my professors from the university became a good friend and provided a listening ear when needed.




Ottawa
There was an ad in the student newspaper to apply for a summer job with the federal government so I did that. I received a letter on my birthday telling me that I had got a job with Energy, Mines and Resources Canada and off I went to Ottawa.




When I told my parish priest where I was going, he suggested that I check out St. John’s Elgin Street. He had gone to Trinity College with Borden Purcell who was the priest in charge there at the time. I went there and I rather liked the place and their style of worship and I stayed there.




The summer job was in interlibrary loans but I soon became more interested in technical services. I started on my own to do some problem solving in cataloguing. At the end of the summer I went back to Toronto and to St. Thomas’ and to complete my second year in library science.




I had been much impressed by the chief librarian at Energy, Mines and Resources - a warm and caring person. She told me that she wished she had a job for me but she did not. However in February she sent me a letter to tell me that the assistant cataloguer was leaving and that was just what I wanted to do.
So I found myself an apartment in downtown Ottawa.





I became involved at St. John’s
- teaching Sunday school - which was difficult
- singing in the choir - which was fun
- becoming a part of various small groups - the prayer group in particular
- going to the early Wednesday morning Eucharist with breakfast and some good sharing afterwards




I made friends through my work and church and various other church groups that I became involved in.




Spiritual resources
One weekend when I went back to Toronto, a friend suggested that I stay at St. John’s Convent. I immediately was attracted to the place - the peace and the style of worship and the emphasis on prayer. I felt very much at home there and I went back often. Some years later I became an associate of the community.
As time went on I found that various aspects of my spiritual life developed.







Prayer has always been important to me. From the prayer group I went on to leading the prayers of the people and later on becoming a member of the parish prayer chain.




I began keeping a journal in 1976 and took a short break and then started again in 1980 and have been writing that ever since. It is an excellent way to get in touch with feelings as well as recording prayers and other reflections on how God is working in my life.




I went on my first retreat in the spring of 1976. It was not a silent retreat but I thoroughly enjoyed it and found it to be refreshing spiritually. I knew that this is something that I would do often which is what I did at the convent in Toronto and at other places - including Temple Pastures - the diocesan retreat centre in Gatineau.




It was suggested that I would enjoy going on a cursillo weekend. This was planned for the spring of 1980 but a trip to Europe delayed this until the fall. This was a Roman Catholic weekend and I went on to help the Anglican movement with many of their weekends. I made new friends and became more confident in dealing with others and again I was very much aware of the power of prayer.




For myself I was looking for some direction in my spiritual life so I got interested in knowing Michel better. He was the parish priest in Hull at the time - just down the street from where I worked. Immediately I knew we were going to be compatible and I have continued seeing him since that time even as he has moved to different parishes around Ottawa. I often use my journal to share what is happening in my life when I talk with him.




Work
At my work, the chief librarian was a real help to me personally and soon became a good friend. She encouraged me in my work as well and after some time, she encouraged me to apply for other positions.




In the spring of 1976 I went for an interview at Labour Canada. I did not get the job then (I was second on the eligibility list). However, in November I got a phone call - the first person had left - and would I like the job? By then time I was more ready to move and so off I went.




There have been many challenges in the job over the years - with cataloguing and supervising and going through transition with the Employment and Immigration Canada and Labour Canada libraries coming together. Work has always taken up a lot of my energies.




In June 1987 I bought a car and conveniently found a parking place across the street from where I was living downtown. Now I had more freedom to go to my mom’s in Lachute, Toronto and the convent, to ride my horse and to get around to various church activities.




House
I now began to think about moving out of downtown Ottawa and find a larger living space. In the fall of 1988 I went to Algonquin College to take a course for first time homeowners.




On Palm Sunday my agent showed me a lovely, little house, bright and sunny with lots of potential. I really liked it and felt much encouraged in my search but on Easter Sunday I discovered that there was already an offer on it. On my agent’s advice I took the plunge and made an offer. I really did want that house! Later that evening the offer was accepted! It was indeed a time of giving thanks for new life and new opportunities.




I had a house blessing with friends and the assistant priest from St. John’s. I was really pleased that I did this for in the fall after I had been in the house a few months I had a break-in. That was rather scary and it took me quite a while to recover from that.




Horses
I found a nice stable to ride at which I could get to by bus which was necessary because I did not own a car when I was living in downtown Ottawa until the last two years. I had become much attached to a little Canadien mare in Lachute and finally I bought her and wanted to bring her to Ottawa. I was so pleased that I told my dad about her and he offered to help me in any way that he could. Within a week of me telling him that he died very suddenly of a heart attack. That was a difficult summer for my mom and I went back often to Lachute to be with her.




My little mare that I brought from Lachute continued to be an important part of my life. She always had good health until the spring of 1993 when she injured a hind leg. She was o.k. for some time after this but she was never herself again. So in the summer of 1994 Walter called me over to show a young Canadien gelding that he had bought and they were training. He was only two years old. He said to me - Vicki, that is your next horse.




And so in the spring of 1995 I very reluctantly had Cari put out to pasture for the summer and then in the fall I had her put down - she was 26 years old and I had known her all her life. The first time I saw her she was 1/2 hour old!
But Bishop was ready and waiting to become my next horse and so I bought him in April 1995. He is just the right horse for me - being a lot easier going than Cari was.




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I am writing this in the summer of 2002 when I took extra time off work for some much needed rest. As I reflected on where I am at it was good to reflect on where I have come from in my life as well.




There were times when I was very much aware of God taking care of me
- coming to Ottawa
- working at Labour Canada
- buying a house
- buying Bishop
but I know He has been there all along the way for me and it is good to acknowledge that.




Thanks be to God!